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We live with people who are not precisely familiar with these words : Thank You, Sorry and Please.
From time to time I get taken aback to stumble upon people who cannt say these crucial words.
Saying thank you is more than good manners, it is good spirituality.” —Alfred Painter
My mother continually stresses about being thankful at all times. Gratefulness is one of the powerful tools you can utilize to receive more. There is one of my colleagues who has mastered the art of saying thank you in almost everything. You give or return something to her, she will respond with thank you. You say something to her, she will say thank you. You compliment her clothes or hair, she will say thank you. Her lips are occupied with being thankful. She told me this has helped her boost her inner confidence. It also aided her to pass the lessons to her own children. Whenever am summoned to babysit them for her, I see well mannered children with discipline just like their mother.
Imagine if you are a parent and you always buy presents for your children and they never say thank you. Do you think when you pass by the stores again, you will think of buying anything for them? Absolutely not, why? Because they do not seem to be thankful. Thank you goes a long way.
Saying sorry is one of the first things we learn to say as children, yet there are people who cannot apologize even when they are clearly in the wrong. The question is: why?
So this is me swallowing my pride. Standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you.
Apologies can vary greatly in their significance: When non-apologists bump into someone in a crowd, they might mumble a quick “I’m sorry” without giving it another thought. But the same person arguing with their spouse about simple things in the house will still adamantly refuse to apologize, perhaps calling on excuses such as, “Its your fault not mine’.
Similarly, when our actions cause someone actual harm or real emotional distress, most of us quickly offer a sincere apology, both because it is deserved and because it’s the best way to gather forgiveness.
However there are people who are allergic to saying sorry. They’d do something wrong to you and still not apologize. Some time back one of my friends told me about her aunt. Her aunt will frequently say hurtful words to her without any apology. She will utter hurtful words today, in the morning act like nothing happened. My friend will be brewing inside as she expects her aunt to apologize but nothing. This occured in several occassions in which it piled up to resentment.
There came a time where she could not take it anymore then she exploded upon her aunt and yelled like a mad woman from The diary of a mad black woman movie. She could not control her temper due to unforgiveness. When she told her aunt of where the anger stemmed from, she could not believe what her aunt said to her. Her aunt said, ‘I admit, am guilty and aware of the problem. My pride never allowed me to apologize to you. I tried in many occassions but I could not’. They had to sit down and spoke about everything and for the first time hearing an apology from her aunt ever since she became her guardian.
By refusing to apologize, the aunt was trying to manage her emotions. She became comfortable with anger, irritability, and emotional distance. She feared that lowering her guard even slightly will open the floodgates to a well of sadness and despair that will pour out of them, leaving them powerless to stop it.
Opening up is incredibly therapeutic and empowering, and it finally led them to experience far deeper emotional closeness and trust toward each other.
Threatening sense of Identity.
Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their actions from their character. If they did something bad, they must be bad people hence it makes it difficult to confront their wrongdoings. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of identity and self-esteem.
Afraid of shame
People think apology causes shame. While guilt makes you feel bad about your action, shame makes non-apologists feel bad about themselves which is what makes shame a far more toxic emotion than guilt. They’d rather live with guilt than shame.
While most of us consider apologies as opportunities to resolve interpersonal conflict, non-apologists may fear their apology will only open the floodgates to further accusations and conflict. Once they admit to one wrongdoing, surely the other person will pounce on the opportunity to pile on all the previous offenses for which they refused to apologize as well.
Let’s look at those who cannot say please. In many occassions I ragged on people who cannot say please. When people don’t say please, whatever they say often sounds more like a demand as opposed to a request with people acting accordingly. And remember that not everyone was brought up with good manners.
In some cultures, people simply do not say “ thank you, sorry and please” and this is the norm. In which case, they may have no idea they are offending you. You just need to weigh up the situation for what it is.
There are some questions which are well-phrased, and delivered in a polite manner, without please. Would you ignore these questions, because they lack a please? Of course not. . .
When you have a moment, may I ask you about your project?
Would you pass the dessert when you’re finished?
Do you know that person’s name?
Do I turn right or left at the light?
May I borrow your pen for a moment?
Make note of such questions. These are polite words one can use without a please.
It does not take away anything from you when you humble yourself from people by saying please, it is a gesture of humanly politeness.
THANK YOU, SORRY AND PLEASE.
One time during lunchtime at the school canteen, one of the guys besides me ‘demanded’ that I assist him as he was carrying snacks. He just needed assistance for a minute so that he can pack the snacks in his bag. It was a simple task to do, but for a mere fact that there was no usage of ‘please’, I took offence. I then refused to assist him. Unlike others, he politely apologized and rephrased his words to ‘may you please’.. I carried his snacks, then he said, ‘Thank you’. You see the three words came forward again :
He apologized and said Sorry
He said ‘may you please’ help me
After he got help, he said ‘Thank you’.
It evidently proves the importance of these words. Learn to use them frequently, you’ll see how much conflicts will be avoided.
Have you come across people who are unable to say thank you, sorry and please. Let me know your experiences on the comments section.
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From my heart to yours